Bad Life

As soon as my hands were free, I grabbed the clothes that looked as if they'd been hurriedly thrown into the car and got dressed. Even on my tall, broad frame they were unusually loose — baggy jeans and a shirt.
The way out was quiet. Eerily quiet. When we came out onto the road the construction crew had cleared, I slid down under the seat and hid my body. James drove with casual composure, but the moment we turned onto the road leading out of the town he suddenly floored it.
We didn't say a word. It was near dawn, so although the heat hadn't gotten bad yet, we were both soaked with sweat. There was no unexpected disaster like a blown tire. We made it out to the town without trouble, and once we reached it James actually accelerated. We were able to get out of the town without incident. As soon as we hit the road that stretched out with nothing but black asphalt, empty to the horizon, we both exhaled almost in unison, a sound like relief.
Only then did James turn his head and look at me. His face was blank. Sweat streamed down; I could see droplets falling from his chin.
"You’re tall, so I grabbed the biggest stuff I could find…," James said out of nowhere.
"You look like an idiot."
"……."
A short silence passed. Then James's face contorted. Mine must have contorted the same way. [N O V E L I G H T] We burst into laughter so hard our whole bodies shook. We laughed like crazy, swerving across the center line as we went. My throat felt like it was being ripped; the pain was oddly sweet.
When the laughter finally turned into coughing, James fished a water bottle out from the backseat and handed it to me. The lukewarm water sliding down past my throat felt sweet. I emptied more than half of the two-liter bottle before passing it back to James. He took it and, still holding the wheel, drank down every last drop.
After the water and when the laughing stopped, clarity returned. The noisy laughter from a moment ago felt like a lie; a calm silence settled over us. I stared at James, who had his eyes fixed on the road ahead and was entirely focused on driving.
"You dumbass," I muttered, my throat stinging.
"What the hell are you doing?" James threw the water bottle out the window.
"Doing something useless."
His voice shook.
I leaned out the open window and looked back. There was no one else on the road. I turned back to James.
"Good job," I said.
"Maybe."
James smiled at me with a face that still couldn't shake the fear.
"I'm already regretting it."
Even as he said that, James pushed the pedal to the floor. We were barreling along at a terrifying speed without seatbelts. Everything was moving away so fast it felt absurd.
Still, for the moment, it was satisfying. I baring my teeth and laughed.
"If you don't want to regret it more, drive like this until we fall apart."
The morning sun was just rising over the horizon, dazzlingly bright.
Too tired and sore to fight it, I fell asleep as soon as we were out of Labraham. When I woke, we were still on the road. The sun hung high and every window in the car was shut tight. Instead, the air conditioning kept the air cool. I yawned dazedly. I hadn't the faintest idea when I'd last woken up with such an idle yawn. I yawned again, deeply.
When I turned my head, James sat at the wheel with a slightly better expression than in the morning. He must have stopped at a gas station while I slept. The fuel gauge on the dash was full, and a few large plastic bags of water and food were in the backseat.
I stretched and grabbed a bottle of water. James glanced at me. I handed him one. While he drank, I looked out at the scenery. It was open wasteland. Low grasses spread out in a barren plain, and beyond them low hills rose here and there against the blue sky.
"Where to…?" I asked, my throat burning even though I'd had water. I swallowed and asked again, "Where are we headed?"
James turned the bottle back to me and answered.
"We'll pass through Colorado and head for Texas. After that…"

He stopped. He closed his mouth for a moment, then continued.
"I've been thinking. Maybe go down to Mexico, then cross over to Europe or Africa."
Mexico? Europe? Africa? I was stunned by the unexpected reply. James wasn't joking. His face was deadly serious.
"I took all your stuff too. Passport and ID and everything."
"……."
He pointed to the backseat. Sure enough, my battered duffel was tucked at the foot of the rear seat. I pulled it out and checked inside. I only had one bank account and no permanent home, so I kept my ID and passport in that bag. As James said, the IDs and passport were there, and even the wallet with cash. I tossed the bag back into the rear seat.
"Don't talk nonsense. We'll stick with you only as far as Denver. Then we split." I snapped curtly.
James slammed on the brakes. My body lurched forward. If he'd not fastened my seatbelt while I slept, my head would have smashed into the glass. Instead of scolding him further, I just stared at him.
James buried his face in the steering wheel. He didn't move. With his face hidden, he said in a low voice, "No."
"……."
"No…."
"…Hey, James…."
"Please let me come with you. Please. I'm begging you, Raymond (레이몬드, Raymond)."
I reached out and gripped the nape of James's neck. I rubbed, then gently lifted his head. He complied and looked up at me. His chocolate-brown cheeks were soaked with tears. Every blink sent black, large tears down his face.
I didn't have to take responsibility for his guilt. I didn't have to accept his repentance or forgive him. Still, I didn't want to be cruel to the man who'd pulled me out of that den of lunatics.
I studied his face. The glossy, handsome face I had first met used to grin with arrogance and childish mischief. I remembered the confident, openly flirtatious look and the teasing, playful voice. That young man was gone. He would never be that boy again. The boys on the top floor had taken that from him. James's life had been completely changed just because he was an idiot.
The price for ignorance and foolishness was too harsh. I knew what it meant to pay for ignorance. At Bluebell (블루벨, Bluebell Dormitory) I had paid a brutal price for ignorance and stupidity. Back then no one could help me. But James was different. He was someone I could help.
"Okay… say yes, we'll go together. Then what? Do you have a plan? I mean, none of this dreamy Europe or Africa stuff — a real plan."
My neck throbbed unbearably, but I drank water and tried to calm the pain.
"What about your career? The project you're shooting now? Or your family? Friends? Your life? If you come with me now, James… you'll never be able to go back."
James raised his voice, as if in defiance.
"I know. I know all that. I came prepared. I thought it all through! Do you think I'm treating this like a joke?"
"Of course not. You must have thought it through. But—"
I looked hard at his pretty face and asked, "Have you thought about what'll happen if you get caught?"
He went silent, blinking dazedly. His eyes trembled. I let go of his hand and leaned back slightly to face him. His lips trembled.
"Say it plainly."
"…Raymond (레이몬드, Raymond)."
"Go on. I'm curious too."
He said nothing.
But even if James didn't say it aloud, I could see it. It would be a wreck. His throat would be bruised black from the noose and he'd be beaten so his face would be swollen and ruined. From the way his lips hurt when he spoke, they were probably split. His body under his clothes would be miserable. Lost in the woods and battered by a group assault, his body would be covered with cuts and bruises. Having been raped countless times, his anus would be raw and swollen and shameful marks would mar his thighs.
James had witnessed all of that. He must have seen it from when the monkey wrench nearly tore off a finger to watching a rape up close. Simon had forced him — in Simon's presence — to rape me. If they caught him, everything that happened to me would happen to James too.
We all understood that. James's face darkened. He bit his lip so hard it split. When he finally looked up, he did not flinch. He shook his head with a firmness I hadn't expected.
"Don't go alone. You couldn't handle it. Come… come with me."
"……."
"I'm coming with you."
"If you're doing this because you want to be forgiven, you don't have to. You don't need to feel guilty."
I said bluntly.
"You did something stupid, but you've paid enough for it. If I'm asking anything of you… it's just to forget. Forget everything. Don't think about me, don't think about those bastards. Treat it like it never happened and completely forget."
But James wouldn't be tempted by that, not this time. He didn't cry anymore. He narrowed his eyes and looked straight at me.
"Raymond (레이몬드, Raymond). From now on, you and I are going together. I decided to save you."
This time James reached out his hand to me. He cupped my cheek with his thin, smooth hands. They were clammy and cold with sweat. Fragile, trembling hands. Still, I found myself resting my cheek against them.
"I'll save you."
Knife.
At that moment the name of the little boy I couldn't even remember the face of — the one I'd killed — came into my mind.
I was wrong. I had said no one could help me at Bluebell (블루벨, Bluebell Dormitory), but that wasn't true. The knife could have helped me. If I'd run with him, my life might have taken a completely different path. We really would have gone to France together. We would have watched the World Cup final and swum at the beach in Nice. No one would have died. Kal and Hyu would have survived, of course, and they'd have given up on me and found other victims.
If only I'd run with Kal then. If only I hadn't ignored the boy who begged me with desperate tears to help him.
Was taking James's hand now the same kind of chance?
I looked at the dried face of the tears he'd shed to save me and then pushed his hand away. James bit his lip.
I unlatched my seatbelt, then unfastened James's as well, and said firmly, "Get out."
"…Raymond (레이몬드, Raymond)."
"Get out, I said."
James stubbornly shook his head. He gave a crooked smile. He looked baffled while smiling.
"You drove the whole time while I slept."
He said softly.
"We're supposed to go together. It's a long trip. We can't be exhausted already."
James wreathed a smile, then bit his lip and bowed his head. Was he one of those who cried easily? I patted the shoulder of the man who shed tears so readily.
We kept driving.
James must have been exhausted too; as soon as we switched drivers he passed out. I turned on the radio and listened to weather and news while I drove. After a few hours of driving, farms began to appear here and there in the plain. A little farther on, instead of wide fields, rocky cliffs and mountains came into view. By the time the sun set, we were entering a small town.
We stopped first at a gas station to fill up and then went to a shabby diner nearby for a meal. We were both so drained we didn't even have the energy to talk. We slumped half onto cheap, glossy enamel sofas and waited for our order. Only when the drinks came did we sluggishly sit up. James sucked down a cola full of ice through a straw, and I drank a coffee I couldn't even remember the last time I'd had.
Feeling a little better, I spoke.
"Let's stay in this town tonight. I heard there are motels off the highway."
James chewed on the tip of his straw and nodded. He counted off on his fingers like he was calculating and said, "If we drive all day tomorrow we'll reach Denver. Then we can change cars and head to Texas."
"Why go to so much trouble? You could leave the country right from Denver."
"Mr. Acacia would think the same."
James stopped mid-sentence and suddenly looked back. He scanned the diner slowly, looking over everyone sitting at the tables.